


The Keeping of Secrets

by pantswarrior



Category: Gyakuten Saiban | Ace Attorney
Genre: Comedy, Language Barrier, Mistaken Identity, Other, Phoenix Wright Kink Meme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-12
Updated: 2012-01-12
Packaged: 2017-10-29 10:32:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/318937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pantswarrior/pseuds/pantswarrior
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Valant Gramarye has the utmost respect for Lamiroir. Who, as it turns out, is not the person that Daryan is saying nasty things to backstage.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Keeping of Secrets

As a professional magician, Valant Gramarye was quite adept at keeping secrets. His own were allowed to pass only to the ears of those for whom it was required, and he used his own trustworthy travelling troupe whenever possible to keep those necessary ears to a minimum. This time, it was not his own show, and his miracles had been relegated to the sidelines, in a sense; he'd therefore been required to reveal his secrets to those not within his carefully chosen inner circle. All who knew of the switch were sworn to secrecy, naturally, and none had shown any signs of breaking this agreement.

He was more than willing, in this light, to keep the secrets of another, accidentally uncovered due to nothing more than a trained eye and ear. No matter how irritating it was to have to listen to the fool before him.

"So, you crazy foreign bitch," the questionably-coiffed guitarist murmured sweetly, flashing a charming smile and taking Valant's hand gently. "Underneath that veil, I bet you've got the red lips of a dirty whore."

Rather than punching Daryan Crescend in the face as he longed to do so very badly - how dare he speak so to (what he believed to be) a woman of Lamiroir's caliber? - Valant feigned a giggle, bringing one delicately manicured hand to the fabric over his mouth in a mildly embarrassed gesture as the musician raised the other to his lips, kissing his fingers softly. After all, everyone involved with this show had been informed that Lamiroir did not understand English, and they spoke only through her interpreter. Valant had picked up on minute changes in her body language as he allegedly was speaking to Mr. LeTouse, and knew better. But whatever her reasoning, it was her secret to reveal, and no one else's. He must play along when he was disguised as her, not only to protect her secret, but that of his own illusion.

Why, oh why, had this buffoon chosen to patronize the singer's dressing room while _he_ , merely her stand-in, was just finishing his marvelous metamorphosis into the spitting image of the siren?

"And I couldn't help but notice," Daryan added, pausing as he kissed further up Valant's wrist, "that your translator's not here, so right now you're just a backwards hick from a useless little country who has no idea what I'm saying to you."

Valant responded with a delighted laugh, in a higher pitch than his usual, as he modestly drew his hand back from Daryan's. Thank goodness for his performance training - he could alter his voice with little difficulty.

"Your so-called music is just a bunch of new-agey pop garbage," Daryan whispered tenderly, leaning closer on the sofa, reaching out to slip a hand behind Valant's head, looking deeply into his eyes - the only part Daryan could see, between the veil and the cloak. "It's overhyped and trite, and if this kind of thing is a trend for the Gavinners, I'm going to get the hell out of this scene. But at least you're kind of hot. I bet that's the only reason Klavier brought you over here - to give us a high-profile groupie." He leaned closer still, his absurd hairstyle looming over Valant as the magician dared to lean away a bit, as if uncertain. Which, to be honest, he was. "What do you think, 'siren'? I bet you want me to fuck you senseless right now."

...If Valant hadn't been in disguise, this would have been a perfect time for a vanishing act. Since he was, and he shouldn't be able to understand a word Daryan was saying, he merely turned his head away, covering his face with his hands as if pleased but embarrassed by the gentle tones. "[Go die in a fire,]" he replied sweetly in French in his altered voice. It wasn't Borginian, but Valant knew hardly any Borginian - and Daryan was proving himself so foolish with his actions, Valant was fairly sure he wouldn't know the difference.

"Ah, but you forget," Daryan continued, raising an eyebrow and smiling kindly as he pushed Valant's hands aside to cup his cheeks, through the veil, in his own hands. "I don't know your stupid language any more than you know mine."

"[And you're an undereducated idiot who doesn't even know the sound of a common romance language,]" Valant whispered, his eyes widening, allowing a blush to rise in his cheeks. "[And I pity you if you ever manage to try this on Lamiroir - she may seem a delicate flower, but I believe she's capable of taking off your head.]"

"Yeah, yeah, blah blah blah," Daryan murmured. "Fucking slut, I know something better you could do with that mouth than babble." And with that, one of Daryan's hands slid beneath the veil, starting to lift it up...

"Ah!" Valant exclaimed, gracefully slipping from between Daryan's hands, and scooting back along the length of the sofa - he'd waxed down the moustache and covered it with stage makeup, just in case anyone caught a glimpse of his face behind the veil, but it was still visible if one looked closely. If Daryan saw that, the illusion would surely be shattered. "[E-Excuse me for not wanting to kiss your disgusting mouth,]" Valant said meekly, smoothing the veil he wore in what hopefully looked like a meaningful gesture, "[but I would sooner make out with a garbage truck.]" To be honest... he had to admit that this was a bit fun.

Daryan just stared, puzzled. "I don't know what you're saying," he said finally, with a reassuring smile and a shrug as he slid along the sofa to follow, his gentle tone still utterly at odds with his words. "Something about keeping your face hidden, probably. Bet you're ugly under there. Well then, how about under here?" Valant froze as Daryan's hand lifted up the hem of the long dress he was wearing, and the other snuck beneath, sliding up his leg. "Damn, you Euro-bitches really _don't_ shave, do you?" Daryan murmured seductively. "Maybe I should do you from behind."

This wasn't good, Valant thought. As much fun as it was leading Daryan on, if he should come across the real Lamiroir later and act as if he'd gotten this far with _her_... Valant wouldn't want anything to happen to such a fine lady as she. He _had_ to find a way to ensure that Daryan would leave Lamiroir alone - and he thought the idea that had just come to mind might be just the thing.

With another giggle, he slapped Daryan's hand as it began to creep up his thigh, and rearranged the skirts to pool around him as he knelt on the floor instead. "[I'm going to explode your ego, you arrogant ass,]" he said sweetly, nudging Daryan's knees apart and leaning forward to unzip his fly.

"Oh yeah, you filthy slut, of course you wanna suck me," Daryan said softly, raising an eyebrow and reaching out to caress Valant's cheek lovingly. "I bet you do this to like a dozen guys every night after your concerts, but you've never had a guy like me before."

"[Absolutely not,]" said Valant, sliding Daryan's pants down over his hips as he raised them, then reaching for the waistband of his underwear. "[and you just wait until I tell you why...]"

"Enough with the babbling," Daryan murmured, slipping his briefs down and leaning back, eyes half closed. "Get on with it, bitch."

Perfect. Once the briefs were around mid-thigh, Valant paused, staring at Daryan's groin as if surprised by what he saw. Then, all of a sudden, he began to laugh a high-pitched, _terribly_ amused laugh.

This had exactly the effect he was going for. Daryan opened his eyes, looking down at him, looking incredulous. "What the hell are you laughing at?" Valant merely giggled harder, placing a hand over his mouth, his shoulders shaking, as if Lamiroir were trying very hard to contain her laughter, knowing it was impolite. Daryan's face grew stormy. "What!?" he demanded.

"Ah, I not good," Valant said, adding a strong, affected accent to the higher pitch of his voice. "How you say...? Borginian man..." He held his hands shoulders-width apart. "American man..." He measured a tiny distance between his thumb and index finger, and giggled some more.

He wasn't surprised by the sharp slap across his face when Daryan leaned forward. "Stupid bitch," Daryan fumed, standing up and hurriedly pulling his clothes back on, making for the door almost before he'd managed to zip back up, red-faced.

That, Valant thought with satisfaction, would likely do just fine. When the door slammed behind the other man, he let himself laugh a laugh that was entirely his own.


End file.
